The Home Sweet Home Depot

I adore hardware stores. They're like giant museums dedicated to possibilities.

So once upon a summer afternoon, I thought to myself:"Gee, I'm rather unemployed."

Annnnnnd:"Ooooh, I would even consider donning orange, if it meant I got both money and time in WonderFixItLand!"

And then later on:"Golly, I'd take just about any job!"

And so I decided to apply to the Home Depot of Brooklyn, NY.

I was snotty. I figured my college education and year of actual construction work would make me the most perfect little candidate. I felt a little more snotty (and rather out of place) when I began to answer the application questions ...


These are actual questions from the application:

Except for minor office supplies, what is the total value of goods and merchandise not belonging to you that you have taken from all of your employers in the last 5 years?
$0
up to $5
up to $10
$11 or more
I don't remember

The total value of items you have taken from a store without paying for it, in the last five years?
$0
up to $5
up to $10
$11 or more
I don't remember

The total amount of cash not belonging to you that you have taken from all of your employers in the past 5 years is?
$0
up to $5
up to $10
$11 or more
I don't remember

How often do you currently use cocaine, crack or other illegal drugs (LSD, speed, amphetamines, ice, etc.) while at work or just before?

Yes
No

How often have you ignored safety rules in order to get the job done in the past three years?
Never
1 or 2 times
3 or 4 times
5 or more times Daily
One to four times per week
One to four times per month
Tried once or twice
Never

Have you ever committed a theft, shoplifting or other crime where you took something that didn’t belong to you?

Don't they seem to be sort of assuming that the answers will be affirmative?

Since I didn't get the job, perhaps we can assume if one answers "No/Never" to most of the questions, one is just not a right fit for a Brooklyn NY Home Depot.