The Home Sweet Home Depot

I adore hardware stores. They're like giant museums dedicated to possibilities.

So once upon a summer afternoon, I thought to myself:"Gee, I'm rather unemployed."

Annnnnnd:"Ooooh, I would even consider donning orange, if it meant I got both money and time in WonderFixItLand!"

And then later on:"Golly, I'd take just about any job!"

And so I decided to apply to the Home Depot of Brooklyn, NY.

I was snotty. I figured my college education and year of actual construction work would make me the most perfect little candidate. I felt a little more snotty (and rather out of place) when I began to answer the application questions ...


These are actual questions from the application:

Except for minor office supplies, what is the total value of goods and merchandise not belonging to you that you have taken from all of your employers in the last 5 years?
$0
up to $5
up to $10
$11 or more
I don't remember

The total value of items you have taken from a store without paying for it, in the last five years?
$0
up to $5
up to $10
$11 or more
I don't remember

The total amount of cash not belonging to you that you have taken from all of your employers in the past 5 years is?
$0
up to $5
up to $10
$11 or more
I don't remember

How often do you currently use cocaine, crack or other illegal drugs (LSD, speed, amphetamines, ice, etc.) while at work or just before?

Yes
No

How often have you ignored safety rules in order to get the job done in the past three years?
Never
1 or 2 times
3 or 4 times
5 or more times Daily
One to four times per week
One to four times per month
Tried once or twice
Never

Have you ever committed a theft, shoplifting or other crime where you took something that didn’t belong to you?

Don't they seem to be sort of assuming that the answers will be affirmative?

Since I didn't get the job, perhaps we can assume if one answers "No/Never" to most of the questions, one is just not a right fit for a Brooklyn NY Home Depot.

Caulk it Up (Part II)

Now, for the Fun Part!


To open the caulk, most professionals use a utility knife.

Hold the caulk with the tip facing away from you. Place the blade of the knife less than .5" away from the end of the tip, angling it away from you as well. With one strong motion, push down and out -- the tip of the caulk should go flying off, leaving behind a perfectly angled end.
This is the way the Real Deal guys do it, and may take some practise. You can manage the same thing using tough scissors or wire cutters. Just keep in mind that the tip should be cut off very close to the end, and at an angle.


Next, the gun.
The end of the gun has a metal hook on it: this hook needs to be pulled all the way out, and as you work, it will move forward. Push down on the metal lever while pulling the hook end all the way.
There is a little metal piece on a hinge on the handle. The sole purpose of this part is to finish opening the caulk. Pull it out, and stick it into the hole in the tip you've just cut. You'll feel the resistance; break it.

Now push the caulk into the gun, tip-side first.

There are two parts to the handle. Squeezing these together is how you push the caulk forward. Unless the pressure is released the caulk will keep oozing out messily; to release the pressure, just push the metal lever you used to pull the hook out.
(At this point, you'll want to have some paper towels or cloths nearby.)

Actual Application
Position the tip against the crack you're filling. Squeeze the handle gently, and begin moving along the edge as soon as caulk begins to come out.



Remember: Caulk is not icing. Use very little.





After it's applied around the edges, put the gun aside (remember to release the pressure).
To finish it off, I personally don't mind getting a little messy; some might want gloves. I wet a finger and press it hard against the corner, then move along the crack, wiping the caulk off the finger and rewetting as I go.

What you want is a concave bead inside the corner. *Less is more.*
And that's it!

Leave the area alone for however long the label says; overnight is a good start. Do NOT get it wet, or it'll make a big freaking mess.

Because I lived with the 4 other people, who hadn't asked me to take on this job, I had to work something out so they could shower. I rigged a plastic tent involving Saran wrap and (white) duct tape ... it was OK in the end, but it's technically naughty caulking behavior ... so you didn't read it here.

Cheers!

Caulking the Caulk

Three years ago I lived in a cool two-story converted factory loft with 4 lovely roommates. We divided up the household tasks, and, unfortunately, I was on bathroom detail.

Now, it wasn't part of my official duty, but when I saw the state of the tub, I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy a shower (and certainly not a bath) until I fixed the caulk situation:

It was loose in many areas, and moldy beyond bleaching just about everywhere. It had to go.

Supplies
You'll want to wear some gloves -- regular dishwashing ones will do.

Next, you need a tool to pry out the old caulk before you can apply the new. I used a very sharp razor scraper , which looks a lot like the one to the left.

(Basically, removing caulk is an awful job. In the past, I've attacked it with a combination of the scraper-razor, a flat-head screwdriver, and a knife/box cutter.)

For the caulk, I swear by GE Silicone II, for Bath and Tub. (The silicone-based varieties work better with the tips in this article, and are better suited to bathrooms than latex.)

You will also need a caulking gun. These can be purchased for cheap at most hardware stores. Instructions on opening the caulk and loading the gun are below.

Removing the Old Caulk

When using the scraper, knife, etc., remember to:

1. Be very careful. When you're wearing rubber gloves, sweating, cursing and hacking away ... just be aware of where your fingers are.

2. Avoid damaging the porcelain of the tub or tiles. This is very easy to do. Any blade employed for this job should be kept parallel to the surface: it's like scraping ice off of a windshield. You want to remove the stuff stuck on top, without hurting what will remain.

3. Try to get all of it. Any bits of old caulk that remain will either show up as ugly lumps under your new caulk, or will actually make it impossible for the fresh caulk to adhere. Don't be surprised if some grout (the hard stuff holding the tiles onto the wall) comes loose. A little bit is normal.

Surface Prep

After you've got that ripped out, you'll need to clean up the surface you just unearthed. A decent scrub with bleach -- I use a heavy duty scrub brush with a handle -- followed by a careful wipe down is important. To finish, I strongly recommend wiping everything down with rubbing alcohol (remember to open a window while all of this is going on!). The alcohol will both help to clean the area and will evaporate as it drys; it is *crucial* that the surfaces be very well dried before going on the next step. Wipe it down with a dry towel and leave it for at least an hour.
The nature of caulk is that it repels water. Therefore, it would obviously make your job a lot harder to try to apply it to a damp surface (trust me :/).

The Fun Part
Look for part II tomorrow!